Married men who are gay
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He has spent holidays with the two of them, gone to concerts, and even their son’s wedding.
“Over the past six years, our relationship has grown so much and is so much stronger,” she said. (If you're thinking that you can cure the gay by having your husband go to gay conversion therapy, read this.)
What's important to remember is that the husband's homosexuality is entirely his responsibility and has nothing to do with the wife.
Her insecurity compounded more and more.
“Naively, I thought that it would be difficult the first couple of times, then it will be okay,” Shelly said. If the husband is honest with both you and with himself (read: How Do I Know If I Am Gay? Signs You Are Gay), that is when you can truly know that he is gay.
The wife has not been inadequate in any way and likely the gay husband married her because he truly cared about her. He doesn’t think people realize how many challenges and struggles they go through until a professional points them out, or until a huge life event happens.
“My coming out really realized how much we needed to do that together,” he said.
Faith journeys
Beyond what was happening at home and hearth was a religious struggle that Shelly and Dale both experienced.
They were both Methodists, and their journey followed the same path.
They can also lack exposure to a queer community and not realize that there are other options, or they can feel like a gay relationship is too stigmatized.
“They ultimately choose to be in these other relationships that are heteronormative in appearance,” Fuller said. Quite possibly, this conflux of factors offers the best etiological elucidation of the SMSM demographic.
References
[i] J.L.
King, On the Down Low: A Journey into the Lives of 'Straight' Black Men Who Sleep with Men (New York: Harmony Books, 2005).
[ii] Karolynn Siegel, Eric W. Schrimshaw, Helen-Maria Lekas, and Jeffrey T. Parsons, “Sexual Behaviors of Non-gay Identified Non-disclosing Men Who Have Sex with Men and Women,” Archives of Sexual Behavior 37, no.
The experience was “extremely negative,” she said. But what if the men in question identify as heterosexual? She knew that he was struggling with those feelings, she said. In many cases, it is the wife, who after suspecting that something is wrong, must confront the gay husband with the evidence, and only then can honestly be achieved.
But if you're wondering, "Is my man gay," it might be helpful to know that there are signs to look for, according to Kaye.
If a husband is gay, it can devastate not only the relationship but the straight wife as well.
Signs of a Gay Husband – Is My Man Gay?
The clearest way to know if your husband is gay is if he tells you. Recall from the previous post that straight men who have sex with other men (SMSM) do not generally share details about their same-sex sexual activity or desire with significant others in their lives.
5 (2008).
[vii] Nina T. Harawa et al, Sexual Behavior, Sexual Identity, and Substance Abuse.
Is My Husband Gay? Signs of a Gay Husband
Sometimes a woman may have been in a heterosexual relationship for years and yet feel something is somehow "off;" and she may find herself asking, "Is my husband gay?" Many women find this question unthinkable but according to Bonnie Kaye, M.ED., an expert in women married to gay men, it is estimated that 4 million women have been, or are, married to gay men.
“They’re like, ‘I thought we were this kind of people, but now we’re apparently not.’”
Placing into community
Though mixed-orientation relationships are a fixture in queer history, misinformation and confusion have muddied discussions.
As Dale and Shelly have discovered themselves, mixed-orientation relationships can have a happy ending, said Kim Fuller, a practicing sex therapist and owner of Cleveland Sex & Intimacy Counseling.
LGBTQ+ people are pressured to enter heteronormative relationships, Fuller said.
Retrieved on 2025, December 29 from https://www.healthyplace.com/gender/gay/is-my-husband-gay-signs-of-a-gay-husband
Last Updated: May 20, 2019
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“[They can] find themselves later on in the relationship realizing that’s perhaps not necessarily the relationship that would feel best for them and has maybe come to a place of affirmation and acceptance.”Despite that realization, the LGBTQ+ individual in the relationship can still feel this emotional relationship to their straight spouse that they don’t want to let go to waste, Fuller said.
Some gay men believe that being married can rid them of their homosexuality. Same-sex sexual activity did not necessitate a reconsideration of sexual identity for four reasons:
- The activity was infrequent
- Sex was seen as recreation or sport; males engaged in same-sex sexual activity for the sake of physical activity or stress relief
- Sex as an economic necessity; almost half of the participants engaged in sex with other men for money, and the majority of those reporting this were substance users
- Sex as an accident; participants stated the sexual activity was not their fault or beyond their personal control, such as inebriation or the unplanned outcome of an argument with a wife or female romantic partner
Also, while engaging in the sexual behavior, the subjects avoided kissing, hugging, talking to the other male (or even looking at him), and leaving immediately following sex.[iv]
Similar findings were found throughout a series of interviews with non-gay identified MSM prepared for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in 2004.
And their therapist would help them set relationship goals and work towards them – something both Dale and Shelly were grateful for.
The new challenge in the relationship helped Shelly grow as a person. Having sexual attraction to the same sex is no one's fault and likely has been there since birth.
article references